"They received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so." ~ Acts 17:11

"Grins and Groaners" aka Humor :-)

A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22)

If you have any Christian humorous stories or one liners, that you feel should be included on this site, please send us an e-mail with all pertinent information included.  We will review your suggestions. If we agree with you, we will post the material to the site as soon as possible.  We do welcome and value your feedback! :-)

Divine Parenting

By: Author Unknown

After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve.  And, the first thing God said to them was, "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God replied.

"Forbidden fruit?  Really?  Where is it?!"  Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly.

"It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break.  And, He was very angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you do it?" God asked, exasperated.

"I dunno," Adam answered.

And, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own!

Golf Stories

By: Author Unknown

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day.  Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one.  The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard.  Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and the ball rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard.  It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water.  Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball.  It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street.  It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree.  From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond.  On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.  Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.  Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away.  As the eagle and the frog passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad." :-)

It Takes Years to Learn These Truths

By: GCFL

• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
• There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
• People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
• You should not confuse your career with your life.
• No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
• When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
• Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
• Never lick a steak knife.
• Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
• The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
• You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
• You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
• The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
• The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
• A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important.  Pay attention.  It never fails.)
• Your friends love you anyway.
• Never be afraid to try something new.  Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.  A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Important Things I've Learned From Kids

By: Author Unknown

• It's more fun to color outside the lines.
• If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
• Ask why until you understand.
• Hang on tight.
• Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
• Make up the rules as you go along.
• It doesn't matter who started it.
• Ask for sprinkles.
• If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
• Save a place in line for your friends.
• Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
• If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
• Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
• Making your bed is a waste of time.
• There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
• Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
• You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.
• You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.

All I Need To Know, I Learned From Noah's Ark!

By: Author Unknown

• Plan ahead.  It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
• Stay fit.  When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
• Don't listen to critics, do what has to be done.
• Build on high ground.
• For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
• Two heads are better than one.
• Speed isn't always an advantage.  The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
• If you can't fight or flee, float
• Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
• Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
• When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain, shovel!!!
• Stay below deck during the storm.
• Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
• If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
• Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
• Don't miss the boat.
• No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

Poor Noah, The Project Manager

By: Author Unknown

Note: This story has been modified to help drive its message.

The Lord spoke to Noah and said: 'In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and the evil people are destroyed.  But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet.  I am ordering you to act as Project Manager and build Me an Ark.'

And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark.

'OK,' said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

'Six months, and it starts to rain,' thundered the Lord.  'You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.'

And, six months passed.  The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.  The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.  And, there was no Ark.  'Noah,' shouted the Lord, 'where is my Ark?'  A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.

'Lord, please forgive me!' begged Noah.  'I did my best.  But, there were big problems.  First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code.  So, I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.  Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.  My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.  I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls.  But, they wouldn't let me catch any owls.  So, no owls.  Then the carpenters formed a union and went on strike.  I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer.

Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group.  They objected to me taking only two of each kind.  Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.  They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.  Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain.  I sent them a globe.

Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.  I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,' Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear.  The sun began to shine.  A rainbow arched across the sky.  Noah looked up and smiled.  'You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?' Noah asked, hopefully.

'No,' said the Lord sadly, 'Government already has!' :-)

Senility Prayer

(A Variation As You Age)

Stock Market Report

By: Author Unknown

The Baptist Barber

By: Author Unknown

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough.  He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day.  He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist Church.  The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task.

Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That will be $20."

The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work.  The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before.  Not bad, he thought.  At least I don't need to get a shave every day.

The next morning, the man's face was still smooth.  Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face.   It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.

"I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job.  It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."

The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment.  She responded, "You were shaved by Grace.  Once shaved, always shaved." :-)

Senior Personal Ads

By: GCFL

• FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
• LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
• SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
• WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
• BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
• MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.  If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
• MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

The Lord's Prayer

By: GCFL

I loved the letters you printed about misinterpreting the Lord's Prayer. 

When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed.  As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good laugh over this.  That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart.

Top 10 Stupid Inventions

By: Andychaps "The Funnies"

Sales Techniques

By: Unknown

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.

Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie.  Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louie stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louie, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul.  You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?  Louie just nodded. 

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison.  "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

The Generation Gap

By: Nancy Reagan

Nancy Reagan tells the story of how President Ronald Reagan was once challenged by a college student who said it was impossible for Reagan's generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the student said.  Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, Reagan said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young.  We invented them."

The Practice of Medicine

By: Unknown

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.  After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.  After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.  "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded.  "Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

A Very Dead Duck

By: Unknown

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry; Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog, and took it out, returning a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But, with the lab report and the cat scan...."

Top 36 Things You'll Never Hear From a Southern Man

By: Unknown

The Household Handyman's Guide

By: GCFL

• If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife.  If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
• Try to work alone.  An audience is rarely any help.
• Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
• Work in the kitchen whenever you can ...  many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
• If it's electronic, get a new one ...  or consult a twelve-year old.
• Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch "on" ; or just paint over it.
• Always take credit for miracles.  If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
• Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
• If something looks level, it is level.
• If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

New Words Added to the English Language

By: GCFL

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and supply a new definition.  Here are some of the 2002 winners:

• Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
• Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
• Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.
• Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
• Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
• Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
• Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
• Dopeer Effect: The tendency for stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Diamond Engagement Ring (Texas Style)

By: GCFL

An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations.  The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it.  She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.

A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring.  She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.

"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table. "These Texas women are tough!"

Annapolis

By: GCFL

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.  "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied, "One."

School Rules

By: GCFL

As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets.  That changed when a kitten adopted me.

The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret.  They covered for me by calling my kitten "The Book," since I had so many in my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier.  A student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking The Book?"

I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," I told him.

"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."

The "Real" Night Before Christmas

By: GCFL

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

By: GCFL

The one present Roy Collette wasn't looking forward to getting for Christmas 1988 was those pants. Yet he knew he was in trouble as soon as the flatbed truck bearing a concrete-filled tank off a truck used to deliver ready-mix rolled up. Sure as God made little green apples, those pants had to be in there. And he was going to have to fish them out, else declare his brother-in-law the winner of a rivalry that had spanned 20 years.

Being the sport he is, brother-in-law Larry Kunkel thoughtfully supplied the services of a crane to hoist the concrete-filled tank off the flatbed.

What's this game, you ask? What was the significance of these pants, and why were two grown men going to such efforts year after year to retrieve them, only to send them off again?

It all began in 1964 when Larry Kunkel's mom gave him a pair of moleskin pants. After wearing them a few times, he found they froze stiff in Minnesota winters and thus wouldn't do. That next Christmas, he wrapped the garment in pretty paper and presented it to his brother-in-law.

Brother-in-law Roy Collette discovered he didn't want them either. He bided his time until the Christmas after, then packaged them up and gave them back to Kunkel. This yearly exchange proceeded amicably until one year Collette twisted the pants tightly and stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide pipe.

And so the game began. Year after year, as the pants were shuffled back and forth, the brothers strove to make unwrapping them more difficult, perhaps in the hope of ending the tradition. In retaliation for the pipe, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever. As the game evolved, so did the rules. Only "legal and moral" methods of wrapping were permitted. Wrapping expenses were kept to a minimum with only junk parts used.

Kunkel next had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.

Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can, which he soldered shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas.

Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.

Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who was the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.

The pants next turned up in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a 1974 Gremlin. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.

In 1982 Kunkel faced the problem of retrieving the pants from a tire 8 feet high and 2 feet wide and filled with 6,000 pounds of concrete. On the outside Collette had written, "Have a Goodyear."

In 1983 the pants came back to Collette in a 17.5-foot red rocket ship filled with concrete and weighing 6 tons. Five feet in diameter, with pipes 6 inches in diameter outside running the length of the ship and a launching pad attached to its bottom, the rocket sported a picture of the pants fluttering atop it. Inside the rocket were 15 concrete-filled canisters, one of which housed the pants.

Collette's revenge for the rocket ship was delivered to Kunkel in the form of a 4-ton Rubik's Cube in 1985. The cube was made of concrete that had been baked in a kiln and covered with 2,000 board feet of lumber.

Kunkel "solved the cube," and for 1986 gift-giving repackaged the pants into a station wagon filled with 170 steel generators all welded together. Because the pants have to be retrieved undamaged, Collette was faced with carefully taking apart each component.

What happened to the pants in 1987 is a mystery, and their 1988 packaging (concrete-filled tank) was mentioned at the beginning of this page. Sadly, 1989's packaging scheme brought the demise of the much-abused garment.

Collette was inspired to encase the pantaloons in 10,000 pounds of jagged glass that he would then deposit in Kunkel's front yard. "It would have been a great one - really messy," Kunkel ruefully admitted. The pants were shipped to a friend in Tennessee who managed a glass manufacturing company. While molten glass was being poured over the insulated container that held them, an oversized chunk fractured, transforming the pants into a pile of ashes.

The ashes were deposited into a brass urn and delivered to Kunkel along with this epitaph:

"Sorry, Old Man Here lies the Pants. . . An attempt to cast the pants in glass brought about the demise of the pants at last."

The urn now graces the fireplace mantel in Kunkel's home.

Have a Punny Christmas!

By: GCFL

Yule love the game we're about to play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide.  (answers repose at the end)

• On December 24, Adam's wife was known as _____ _____.
• In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost of _____ _____.
• An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____.
• What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? _____, _____, _____.
• What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?:
• ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
• ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.  _____, _____
• When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other, they are passing on _____ _____.
• A holy man bereft of change could be called _____ _____.
• When you cross a sheep with a cicada, you get a _____ _____.
• A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a _____ _____.
• A cat walking on the desert is bound to get _____ _____.
• People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called _____ _____.
• An airplane disaster in Israel is a _____.
• Actor O'Connor and actress Channing are known on December 25 as _____ _____.
• What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each other a Merry Christmas?  _____ _____.

  ---

  Answers:

1. Christmas Eve
2. Christmas Present
3. North Poll
4. Hoe, hoe, hoe
5. Noel, Noel (no l, no l)
6. seasons' greetings.
7. St. Nickleless.
8. Bah!  (or Baa!) Humbug!
9. silent knight
10. sandy claws
11. Christmas cards
12. cresh
13. Christmas Carols
14. Fleece Navidad!

Tour Guide Terms and The Translations

By: GCFL

• Old world charm ........... No bath
• Tropical .................. Rainy
• Majestic setting .......... A long way from town
• Options galore ............ Nothing is included in the itinerary
• Secluded hideaway ......... Impossible to find or get to
• Pre-registered rooms ...... Already occupied
• Explore on your own ....... Pay for it yourself
• Knowledgeable trip hosts .. They've flown in an airplane before
• No extra fees ............. No extras
• Nominal fee ............... Outrageous charge
• Standard .................. Sub-standard
• Deluxe .................... Standard
• Superior .................. One free shower cap
• All the amenities ......... Two free shower caps
• Plush ..................... Top and bottom sheets
• Gentle breezes ............ Occasional Gale-force winds
• Light and airy ............ No air conditioning
• Picturesque ............... Theme park nearby

Headstones

By: GCFL

• Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
• Born 1903-Died 1942
• Looked up the elevator shaft
• to see if the car was on the way down.
• It was.

  ---

  In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
• Here lies an Atheist
• All dressed up And no place to go.

  ---

  In a London, England cemetery:
• Here lies Ann Mann,
• Who lived an old maid
• But died an old Mann.

  ---

  In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
• Anna Wallace:
• The children of Israel wanted bread,
• And the Lord sent them manna.
• Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
• And the Devil sent him Anna.

  ---

  In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
• Here lies Johnny Yeast.
• Pardon me For not rising.

  ---

  In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
• Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
• Stepped on the gas
• Instead of the brake.

  ---

  In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
• Here lays The Kid.
• We planted him raw.
• He was quick on the trigger
• But slow on the draw.

  ---

  A lawyer's epitaph in England:
• Sir John Strange.
• Here lies an honest lawyer,
• And that is Strange.

  ---

  John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
• Reader, if cash thou art
• In want of any,
• Dig 6 feet deep;
• And thou wilt find a Penny.

  ---

  In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
• On the 22nd of June,
• Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.

  ---

  On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
• Under the sod and under the trees,
• Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
• He is not here, there's only the pod.
• Pease shelled out and went to God.

  ---

  In a cemetery in England:
• Remember man, as you walk by,
• As you are now, so once was I.
• As I am now, you soon will be.
• Prepare yourself and follow me.
• To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
• To follow you I'll not consent
• Until I know which way you went!

  ---

  Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
• Here lies Lester Moore
• One slug from a 44
• No Les
• No More

A Shepherd Was Herding His Flock

By: GCFL

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a surveillance satellite system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an E-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here, although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business. Now give me back my dog."

Mensa Test

By: GCFL

• Q: What do you put in a toaster?
• A: The answer is bread.  If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else before you hurt yourself. If you said "bread", go to the next question.
• Q: Say "silk" five times.  Now, spell "silk." What do cows drink?
• A: Cows drink water.  If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question.  Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat.  It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said "water," then proceed to the next question.
• Q: If a red house is made with red bricks, a blue house is made with blue bricks, a pink house is made with pink bricks, a black house is made with black bricks, what is a greenhouse made with?
• A: Greenhouses are made from glass.  If you said "green bricks," what are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass," then go on to the next question.
• Q: Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing.  Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no-man's-land" between East Germany and West Germany.  Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no-man's-land"?
• A: You don't, of course, bury the survivors.  If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash.  Your efforts would not be appreciated...  If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.
• Q: If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute, then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
• A: One degree.  If you said "360 degrees" or anything else other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room.  Everyone else proceed to the final question.
• Q: Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.  In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.  In Swindon, two people get off and four get on.  In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.  Now, what was the name of the bus driver?
• A:  Oh, come on now... It was you! :-)

Jesus is watching you...

By: GCFL

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are, anyway?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses!" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird promptly answered, "The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

Drivers...

Walkin' the Walk and Talkin' the Talk...

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.  He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.  The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.  He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake.  You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.  I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated 'Christian Fish' emblem on the trunk.  Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Men Are Just Happier People...

From a Woman's Perspective

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves!
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be President.
• You can never be pregnant.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

From a Man's Perspective

From God's Perspective

Church Humor

By: Unknown

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

The First Church of Football

By: Unknown

In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases:

• BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction.
• BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.
• COACH: The children's Christmas program director.
• ASSISTANT COACH: Every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas program.
• COMMERCIAL: Announcements.
• DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.
• DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.
• END ZONE: The pews.
• EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.
• FIRST QUARTER: What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.
• FOURTH QUARTER: The amount that makes up the $1 most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.
• HAIL MARY: Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.
• HALF-TIME: Usually during the offertory when at least 14 people decide they need to use the restroom.
• HOLDING: Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.
• ILLEGAL CONTACT: What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.
• ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.
• INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude.
• OFFSIDES: When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room (severe penalty incurred).
• PASS INTERFERENCE: 1. Single male usher spots single woman in audience. 2. A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.
• QUARTERBACK SNEAK: 1. How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction. 2. Sunday school teachers entering the building five minutes after classes began.
• RAIN DELAY: Baptism
• RED DOG: Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who "own" their own pew.
• SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes.
• TACKLE: 1. What takes place to the only eligible bachelor at the 35-and-over singles enrichment retreat. 2. Asking that "new couple" to sing in the choir, work in the nursery, serve on a committee, join a Bible study, and teach the middle schoolers before they get away.
• PASS: When the new couple says no.
• TIME-OUT: Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.
• TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The pastor's wife looking at her watch in full view of the pastor.
• UNSPORTSMAN LIKE CONDUCT: Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.

Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era

By: Unknown

• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
• If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
• Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.  Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
• A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
• If at first you don't succeed, try management.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
• We waste time, so you don't have to.
• Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
• Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
• A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
• When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
• INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
• Succeed in spite of management.
• Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

Long Faces and Short Pockets...

A Christian Konnections' Observation

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